Sunday, July 5, 2009

Another Month

As our wedding day rapidly approaches, I find myself thinking more and more about what our relationship will be like after marriage. Will it change? Couples who have already gotten married are fairly quick to answer yes or no, but I think ours will, if only because I feel a little change in me already. I feel a little calmer and more secure. I read recently from one newlywed that marriage made her feel more independent, which sounds a little strange at first, but it's a feeling I understand.

I feel like so much of my relationship with Aaron has had a measure of anxiety sewn in that came from living far apart from each other. During visits I couldn't help thinking how little time we had together, how we should spend that time, how it was already slipping away, and how long it would be until we saw each other again. I felt pressure to spend every possible moment interacting directly with him - time taken to do other things was time taken away from us.

Now we are both grounded in the same place, and while it has taken longer than I thought it would, I've finally begun to kiss that anxiety goodbye. And I just feel so much better. I feel more secure and more independent - I can do my own things whether or not he's in the house, and so can he. I mowed the lawn, he helped sweep out the barn. He spent the hot afternoon hours studying fonts, I spent them studying Jersey cows. We enjoyed time spent with a friend and we made pizzas together. It was wonderful.

This change has affected other things too. Aaron is so gentle, easy going and patient, where I can be very impatient and therefore a little demanding at times. I used to feel incredibly frustrated because he would take so long to answer a question, and I like quick answers. When I didn't get one, I felt like he wasn't listening or didn't care. But he does listen and he does care, he just likes to mull things over. I'm only beginning to realize the significance of our different communication styles, and I've made special efforts to just take a breath and relax after I pose a question. He always answers. Its just a simple change in my behavior that makes me feel so much better.

I anticipate more changes like this are on the way, and I'm so excited to experience them. This wedding planning business has been fun, but really, I just can't wait to be married.

No comments: